I am addicted to Facebook. Precisely I am addicted to information. I have given a deep thought to arrive at my second statement. I dig information, I yearn for more and more to know. And for the last 4 years, I seem to have gone out of control.
First I was in a relationship with a person who was into mindless viewing of things on his phone. No amount of straight talks and cajoling or distraction worked. Once done with his phone, he moved to his ipad and then the television. Like a vicious observer who will eventually pen out a great script and build a movie, I observed him to detail. I could not get any valid reasons as to why was this obsession to go from one screen to next when you have a person convinced to live with you. As I avoided those screens with the silent treatments and even a post graduation, I derived two things – first he is a retard who has no purpose in his life and every screen holds his fragile life together or second and a big one – I have not really caught on to the world as of yet.
The first one would have saved my time and energy and opened up new channels but the second doubt being a self one and hence bigger, I decided to take on the challenge to really look at what gratification and life enhancing elements lie in those screens.
And once I decided to look and ponder and explore, like we all know, there was no looking back. This gratification is not just instant. It will put instant gratification to shame.
The plethora of information and personalities, stories and ideas is like a tsunami wave that you fancy to surf on. There are endless possibilities in that virtual world, nothing seems impossible. It completes every aspect of your life like a Boss of which, your reality is like a behind-the-camera action meant to be edited out even in the bloopers. I was a star. I was getting lauded. I got all the appreciation at the instant that I demanded. And after sometime of doing this, I could not agree more with the person who ignored me for all this. He was worth ignoring too.
I was no more interested in his interests online. Who he liked and why. Who he flirted with and appreciated for the very reasons he loathed me. It all just dimmed down and disappeared. I found my worth and I found my fan following. I was so much more than what I thought. I thought I was a human but then I became a virtual famed character and no one was more important than all that.
I found this option to be much more peaceful than actually cooking a meal and waiting for my partner to appreciate it. I loved my space with the phone. Everything was available here. Something to pacify me, something to turn me on, something to help me start a career or a kill a relationship. All answers right there. I need not think anymore.
Love, I have learnt is reserved only for the self. Every person is ultimately trying to get to his own self. Other people exist to serve you coffee and the food they don’t really want to share. I think at times, this is off topic, but if I don’t have the share-my-food desire, I must stay away from relationships where I have to pretend to be hungry when the other person is. Imagine that level of stress, I won’t be able to fake that for any time at all.
So with all the information and my new found self status, I roamed like a diva. I was a narcissist and absolutely okay to be so and then there starts the existential crisis. Its difficult for people to live with someone who loves herself (this is major truth) and then comes the pushed down your throat guilt trips.
The beginning of amends and value realisation for the chance to serve a dying relation demands that you put your phone away. But how can I?
I am supposed to put away a life, a virtual famed one which saved me from this real life trajectory. Like what. You expect that I put my validation and instant gratification away to work things out with you at the pace of how things actually are. How can I abandon my saviours. Who are you and why do you deserve this attention after all. I again plunge into my saviours for the answers that are already waiting for me. This is a spiral and it goes on.
Sadly, we haven’t been educated about that one happy place to go back to. I mean who will really have your answers but you. As simple as this may sound, it takes years and years to bring you back to your self. This journey can be really long.
So after a trauma of loving, losing, accepting and adapting – I am trying to let go of my instant mix world. Because this tsunami of information has consumed me and I have no idea where I am. Am I being helped to surface or being pushed further down – no clue!
I decide to be ignorant. Ignorance to be a part of this race, this information, this participation pushed and fuelled by others. I may not know everything but I rather know me. This one is enough for this lifetime, isn’t it.