I am .. what they say .. ‘Awkward’

My first impression is hardly ever a good one. Even if I am liked, it’s because someone saw me eating food. There is rarely a first time I am open and smiling to people meeting me for the first time. The rare occasions where I have felt love and harmony for strangers is when I was under a little influence of some friendly herbs. See again .. near to food.
I had a complexity of this unlikeable, what do I say and be acceptable syndrome for a long time. I had also experienced anxiety in confrontations about being right in situations.

I am a very controversial person. Lest I knew that. But it is difficult to accept it and just stand alone. So knowing this fact, I try not be a part of any controversy.

I didn’t want the spotlight. I was comfortable not being judged… I mean who doesn’t. I wanted ease of acceptability and not just acceptability.

This fear to stand out made me into a hidden figure. I loved to stay away from hustle bustle,too many people, groups of them looking at you as if you have to contribute rightly to the discussion. It feels like pressure. Is everyone under such pressure to be nice?

I am also bad at apology especially when it comes to my pets, comments about who I am and which mould I fit in, relatives bashing and workplace politics. Totally suck. And when I have been someone who adjusts a lot to convenience others, god I just don’t like that person. I hate what I become.

It’s not natural and I am a bitch sometimes. I can’t help it. I know very well how to make them come to terms and even understand my state and sympathise with me after sufficient time has passed by and everything has cooled down, but never at that instant. Unless I am closing a deal or negotiating with a vendor. People do know the difference between work and outside of work humanity. Everything is fair in business. That is the right quote.

Having said that, I feel a deep concern for humanity, across the world suffering, violence, lack of trust in people, animals and nature. So this is grand. And it is a part of my everyday thought. It worries me. And I have this deep felt need to contribute to make this world a better place. I try. I really do. It also feels good doing random acts of kindness. I am not a selfish person you see. I just communicate when I know I will be effective. I am generally not effective in petty issues and drama oriented confrontations. They are just not for me.

With all those who have been with me for years, a part of the conversation has been ‘ at first, I thought you were too snobbish a person. Little did we know you hardly stop talking and have bursts of laughing gas moments.’ Little has anyone known the paralysing anxiety of whether I will be okay them knowing how crazy I am.

What to do… my first impression is always wrong.

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