Because trying to keep it intact is causing us more pain.
During this lockdown, the distress calls from friends and internet friends went up quite a bit. Every other person who was single or in relationship went through some mad emotions. Beyond a point it was best to let go and allow time to heal. Because these are not usual times. The intensity of feeling things and feeling vulnerable has gone up. Heartbreaks are not mutual and a slight feeling of being abandoned is enough to make you feel sorry.
As far as me being equanimous about this goes, there were times even I was enveloped into the uncertainty of everything. And mind you even if you are a professional counsellor, you need your downtime and rejuvenation to get better. What we don’t realize is listening to someone and making them feel better is an energy investment and most times you may find yourself depleted post your hour long conversations.
So yes, a heart break is painful. And these days people break their hearts in the anticipation that someone may break their heart. What logic is that you may ask. Well we are a smart species and our smartness sometimes acts against us. Not wanting the pain of heartbreak most people especially those with a fear of abandonment tend to reject themselves and a relationship to avoid the anticipation or when they suspect things are not happening the way they want.
Some people have built a wall around them. They don’t want to fall in love. Or they don’t believe in love. Or they are simply in a place in their lives where they have no time and space for someone else. Some have given up on a particular gender due to repeated disappointments.
All of this analysis over the past few months made me realize how we all deal with our pain. If it hurts too much, we tend to shoo it away before it even happens. We think we will outsmart life by not participating. But we do not realize that not wanting something is also a desire. Our greatest accomplishment is to be a human and go through all the feelings. But nowadays, we all feel like we have things in our control and hence giving it up becomes so painful.
If you want to survive this mad time, I have a heartfelt suggestion for you. Be. Let yourself just be. If you are falling for someone, fall. Fall hard. Express your self. Enjoy smiling like an idiot when they talk to you or message you. Get carried away in your fantasies. Ask everything to them that comes to your mind. Don’t just discuss this with your best friend. Don’t worry if they are playing a game with you. Just make sure you are not playing one with your self. If someone rejects your love after you have expressed your self fully, you have a better chance of accepting it. Let it go. The joy is in the journey and the destination; lets just not even think about the destination.
If someone suddenly comes back wanting your attention, be kind, be there, listen. Do not cancel them. Don’t block them. But choose how much you want to be involved with them.
Detachment is a beautiful attribute that must be taught in schools. It will save so many lives and pain in people’s lives. You can be perfectly and 100% involved with life, but it need not control how you feel and think about yourself. That is just for you.
Also, when you choose anything less than 100% in your interactions or your relationships you also gain less than 100%. Casual dating is something people do not understand. They think it means taking someone, themselves and the relationship casually.
It is no wonder then that despite being so clear about our boundaries and being so control freaky about who can hurt us; we are more hurt than happy.
You can’t be too careful with life. That’s not what life wants. It wants you to be like a child. Fall but get up again and have a bright, wide smile while doing so. Who has put a number on how many times you can fall? No one. So fall fast and get up faster.
Break you heart. Run towards failure. You will simply get stronger. Resilient. Your love for you and others will increase and deepen at the same time. Do not live half assed, half hearted. Do not live in fear and anticipation of the worst. Just live. Do not lose your enthusiasm. The world needs it. Be like a child. Bright eyed and wide smiles. Don’t hold hate in your heart. There is very less time to hate in this beautiful life. Let nothing take away your innocence. Let nothing make you bitter but just better. That. Is you superpower.
We all need love. Even when it becomes difficult to articulate and even when our anxiety quickens our breathing, even when we feel like running from it, we all need it.
Let us be human again.
Break your heart. Till it opens.