Attraction is a call for personal expansion.
How I have enjoyed writing deep, dark elements of the emotions and feelings and the varied ways we wonder about life.
One thing I have never really written about is whether I miss someone and how deeply numbing it can be.
Not at all proud but I fight for a relationship as long as it is there and once completely done, I am done! I do not look back. No residue. No missing. Like ever. I live a fair life from my point of view. Seriously committed, holding on for years till its time and signal to leave it alone because not everything you can save.
Wow! A cold blood I seem as I am this pragmatic about the most vulnerable and emotional aspect of our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I am right or an absolute aloof.
I have heard this pretty often – ‘You are not possessive’, ‘You seem to not care’
I do. I care a lot. But I cannot show it for someone’s satisfaction. And coming from a place of ‘Where is the love’ since my childhood I seem to miss it, chuck it or run away from.
God knows what theories will fit.
I want to confess something.
For the first time.. I guess the universe really got me. It has me by the strings of my heart trapped into someone so meticulously that I have no idea who this person is. (I am referring to me in the mirror)
Its strange and funny, embarrassing, I also cringe..
Its like I was just going through life with least feelings to show and survived, probably broke many a hearts with my sliced straight forwardness, in or out attitude, and my distant and aloof nature failing to show you what’s inside Aquarian quality.
And now after all this, the universe has pressed some button; I have all these feelings – I am wondering where they are coming from.
Its like a dam has opened.. Damn! It just doesn’t stop flowing!
For someone who has spent a decade in long relationships and who was on a much deserved break – suddenly finds someone… the universe sent it to me directly and with meetings less than all the fingers of my one hand, I am a goner!
How did this happen?
You have no idea how much research has gone into what it could be – infatuation, hormones, lockdown, sexual, experimental, time pass, not being busy… I have tried to rationalise this so much..
As I drove my car to a techno track and it went in and out of tunnels while being completely smooth – I had a moment of realization. Fuck what anyone says. Fuck what science says, google says, my mind even or close friends – THIS IS LOVE.
When you have uncontrollable feelings of care and well being for someone regardless of any reasoning at all..it is love. It is love for me damnit. Screw everything that may want to reason this.
If in the years of my existence I had not felt this vulnerable and naive, where I laugh while I cry or cry while I laugh – It is love.
I left that person’s visible arc (common term: blocked) to make sure I don’t become a pain to him. I want him to find his way and his path and yet here I am.
I am a mess and never before had I enjoyed it whole heartedly.
I have looked up at the night sky on some beautiful starry nights and literally thanked that I have all these feelings. Its so humbling and liberating. It is also a weakness that is strength. It is a strength that makes me humble. I have not felt so much.
I don’t know what is really happening to everyone. It has been extremely tough with the uncertainty of everything around. Times are so fucking weird, people are strange, trust is low and anxiety runs high.
Still, the universe has your back indeed.
Every day when there are things falling apart, there is a lot to complain.. but we have a lot to thank for as well. And we are programmed idiots who don’t see the good but pick up the negative immediately.
I craved attention. I craved smelling his neck one more time, looking in his deep beautiful eyes.
There was something to complain and yet there is so much to thank for.
Let me give you filmy reference Tamasha -Deepika feels this and it lingers with her.. a feeling like you know a person more than he knows himself. You want to love him, shower him and yet you getting near can make him scared.. What do you do? How does your love justify anything? Will you want him for you or will you leave him for him? What is the better option? Who knows?
I am like those Karan Johar movies that justify and glamourize ‘one sided love’ What’s the option?
When do you feel love for someone that is way beyond your control..do you stop? Do you chase?
You cannot let go. You are being away. Yet you feel closer. You are so near. Every waking moment they are right beside you. In and around you. You talk to them. You still have their pictures in your phone. You still light up whenever you glimpse their smile in your gallery. It still makes you feel lovely. It brings a certain peace. It is like a mini seconds break in my entire train of thoughts, feelings as I cherish this big gulp of relieving breath as I relive that picture.
Call me crazy … but this is how I feel alive. Completely alive. Soaked with all kinds of emotions, feelings, images and visions that soothe my soul through the madness of whatever is happening.
As volatile as this year also has been, I love the flutter in my heart.
The moon is my ally. I hope he shines on him with all the love.
I ask the moon, ‘ I hope he is okay. Take care of this beautiful.’
Lover lover, mother fuc***