Today I am going to show you a different side to divorce. Now let’s put some basics in place. I am an Indian woman.
Okay let’s go.
In India, everything is done for marriage and everything revolves around marriage. A girl is grown up with- whatever you do is to be a good desirable girl for marriage. Whatever you study is to get a good boy. Whatever habits you have should work for a good marriage. You cannot cut your hair short, wear nail paint, play too much sports and be a tomboy. No wearing shorts, no boys as friends, no going out with girl friend, no watching MTV and Channel V, no watching sensual scenes in movies. Be a good girl! Always. Be obedient, learn to make rotis. And make sure the only man who touches you is your husband or you have brought shame to family and disgrace to your self.
From a very young age, parents give the butterfly dreamy level of achieving this heaven once you become 18, once you are married. No one tells you about yourself, how to be happy. This is your ultimate destination.
Most of these women have grown up and are still waiting for the heaven promised. Like my mother who will say I just keep working and where is the part where it gets better for a woman.
Now some women who grew up in this strict family household, did everything as told and got married but they did not have the patience nor the patterns of their mom to hold on to a fantasy that was never becoming real. They questioned. They ask questions and realize no one has true answers. Everyone says this is how it has been. Not. Why has it been so?
Now when a woman gets divorced, she is basically her own person. She is neither somebody’s daughter nor anybody’s wife. She is free. Same when a woman has the power and independence of her own money. Or when she is a prostitute or a mistress. Are you wondering? Yes. She is a free woman making her choices. Even if she is a witch, which is just a name given to another free woman making her damn choices.
Now look at the general way we look at these women – DANGER!
Society has put all the shame, guilt and negativity towards anything a woman doing that sets her free to live life on her own terms. She has to always be guilted to want conformity to being somebody’s property that is his lawful wife. Even when the husband cheats with another woman, the society has told us to hate the other woman and find out where the wife fell short. Nothing ever. Ever comes to the man making his choices.
Eventually when you start asking questions and live from time to time in the bad girl zone; where you feel free and on your own; you wonder if the laid down rules & arguments ever make sense. They do not.
We always hear about the good woman suffering and dying trying to adjust and the bad girl living it up like she does not need anybody. What is wrong about that?
Overtime from logical observations, the walls of good and bad and acceptable start to diminish for a woman asking and seeking her own truth.
She does not need to do aggressive revolutions. Just asking questions work.
One example of how I stopped my narcissistic manipulative boyfriend from making me suffer was to accept every bad thing he said about me. He once came in the kitchen and said you don’t know how to make this thing properly. Let me quickly give you a back reference here… This man was so sure of his complete grip over me that he once out of frustration told me on my face, ‘You are so dumb. You don’t even realize how I manipulate you. I purposely praise the maid for her tea so you learn how to make tea like her. ” Problem was.. when he praised her tea I started asking maid to make tea for both of us regularly, and it did not work the way he thought jealousy worked. Oops. Now when he said I don’t know how to cook.. I said you must be right. Make something nice for all of us henceforth. I went ahead to spread my self on the couch and changed the channel to my loved sitcoms. Defeated.
I made a narcist walk out of my life.
When we do not accept what people think will affect us, the world suddenly looks so different.
Another time my narcist boyfriend gravely affected me was he followed plus sized women on instagram and liked their semi naked posts while he came home and told me my tummy is hanging out and I should get in shape.
At first I had a normal reaction as is expected of me. I could not bare to look at those pictures and feel sick to my stomach. But the next logical thought was, ‘What can I do about this? Why is this affecting me?’ Clearly my boyfriend not caring for me hurt. But did that naked woman hurt me. Not really. When I forgot about having a bf, I appreciated this woman for loving her body. I stopped taking anything personally. I looked at everything with MY OWN EYES and everyone was beautiful in them. I started following these celebs, liking them and leaving encouraging messages on their posts. And I felt so good. I also started following male celebs whose bodies I liked, whose posts I loved. And suddenly my lame ass, insecure bf was no longer bothering me. He freed me from generations of patriarchal ways of living.
So yes, being divorced means now you get to choose who you want, are they worthy of your time. Are they worthy of you? You are wiser and stronger. There is nothing like a woman on her own.
Discover your powers and stand by them. As we all know, the time has come.